Today is the day of your birth and the sun could not be shining more brilliantly. There is not a cloud in the sky making the blue deep with clarity. The birds are singing their morning songs; November Spring is still in the air. There is a calm serenity about a morning such as this and to witness it knowing that you will be coming into the world today makes my heart fill with joy. Your presence will be a gift to the world and we will cherish all the gifts of laughter and kindness I know you will bestow.
I have just spent 20 mins watching a talk by Brene Brown from 2010 on TED discussing her research and self journey on the topic of vulnerability.
From my understanding – Brene is a research story teller who is self professed to need to measure and analyse everything to understand it and be able to “conquer” it. As a Social worker her research was based around the human existence and need to Belong. We as humans need connection and belonging, but as she found out when asked about belonging an connection we often talk about our break ups and loss of connection or lack of belonging.
The underlying theme being that of Shame and Fear. The lack of feeling like we are worthy of love and belonging.
She embarked on a six year analysis of data research, interviews, stories from people’s lives and did her best to measure the aspects of fear, shame and worthiness. The research led her to one conclusion… Vulnerability. I let you watch the TED talk link above which I think anyone who is currently not feeling like they belong or need a moment of self reflection to really listen to how she came to this conclusion.
I found her whitty take on the events that unfolded in her research was an inspiring insight to her own humour and short comings. The need to measure everything and control / predict the outcomes is a large portion of my job, but so is going with the flow.
Change is all around us. Change in leadership, change in financial certainties, change in technologies and strategies at work places. Change in reliance on human input to build and create in a mass production world. Change in how we grow, farm and produce. Change in how we shop, raise our children, dress, transport ourselves, travel patterns, communication and most importantly – how we connect.
Brene’s discoveries strike a particular cord with me in regards to belonging and the need / sense of belonging. I am a huge believer that I really don’t care what job I’m doing as long as feel apart of the team and that I belong, I will excel.
I have had my share of being excluded, bullied and feeling of being completely disconnected from my working colleagues, even some friends through out the years. Often once you show you are capable – you are seen as a threat and there is nothing that will stop an individual from cutting you out, stabbing you in the back or purposely excluding you in order for them to feel the sense of their own belonging. I see their hurt and their pain. I see their need for recognition of their worthiness; and it has only just struck me now while watching this TED talks video that its because I am ok with who I am. I know I need to belong and I do loose all self confidence and self worth when faced with being excluded or bullied out. But when that happens I can see that the person doing it to me, needs it more. I’m not willing to sacrifice myself over it.
I exclude myself in these situations. I step back. That step back is seen as a vulnerability and weakness. In a professional working environment – that can sting. Keeping yourself out of a situation that would otherwise make a fool out of someone else at the expense of ever being included takes a lot of strength. I’d rather take the hit than let my team be taken out by the over bearing need of others blind vendetta to have something they already have but are too scared to see it. Their fear of not belonging sends them down a path of destructiveness that creates discontent with in a team, usually targets the person they see as the one that belongs and strives to gain what ever advantage they think they need to create that sense of belonging for themselves. Often that means not sharing it with someone else or realising there is nothing to share anyway. Everyone has a place in a team, everyone belongs.
I hate to see injustice and I really don’t like taking the blame for things completely out of my control, but I will to keep the peace. I once quit my perfect dream job due to bullying and exclusion. I could have stayed and fought, shown that the accusations were all false. I had all the emails and written evidence of it all. I also had the support of my clients and other colleagues, but in the end I could see a great disaster was at the end of the fight – not for me, but for the team. How would making others feel incompetent and eventually lacking in worth to the company benefit myself, team or company? At that point in time, I could see that the person in question was good at their job, was a great member of the team and had the drive and forward thinking that was needed. But they needed that self recognition and validation of worthiness far more than I did. I could see a pain there that was far more important than my pride. So I took it on the chin and left. All the blame, all the shame, all the accusations on my shoulders and left. I confessed to in competencies that were not my own and all the whole while burning inside knowing that I had all the evidence to the contrary.
I didn’t know it then, but I do now that that was a significant point in my life where I showed true strength. I knew with in myself that I was right and I was not willing to compromise my own self worth for the sake of another. I was not that person.
However, for the rest of the world I was seen as weak. As vulnerable. Who wants to work with someone who is weak and vulnerable? Especially in a professional place.
Watch Brene Brown’s talk on TED (the above link) because I can tell you now, I would work with anyone who shows their vulnerability.
If you are willing to live and been seen as vulnerable you live “Whole Hearted” as Brene Brown puts it. You live your life despite your fears and shames, you have a sense of belonging and worthiness despite your shortcomings. You admit your shortcomings. you accept and embrace your vulnerability. Believe it or not that makes you whole hearted and very strong.
First of all there needs to be a clear definition between vulnerable and incompetent. To be incompetent means that your are incapable of carrying out a task and continue to make the same mistake over and over with out the ability to learn from that mistake.
To be vulnerable means that your weaknesses are know, but so are your strengths. You may make mistakes, but your are ok with that and there is nothing to say you can’t fix or work around them. My pet hate question in a job interview is “What do you think your strength and weaknesses are”, until I was on job panels. The person who actually showed vulnerability and answered whole heatedly and openly got the job. And you know what, they excel at it. They know where they are vulnerable and they already knew what they need to work on to strive or work around to be better and as a employer you knew what you were getting yourself into before hiring. Those who do not even recognise their short comings, fail because they only understand failure or success.
I will tell you what I know – that is growth. You can grow and bloom into a better job, position and pay; but I’d rather grow into a better person. One that belongs. The job and pay will come.
Strive to belong rather than be successful; Be you.
“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” – Albert Einstein
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins131187.html
The world won’t change to fit you, but you need to realise is that you already belong and so does everyone else. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, recognise where you are vulnerable accept it and find where you fit best. Recognise that it may not be your initial dream job and that is ok.
I will openly admit I’m sucker for hugs. You hug me and you win me over. I’m not great at taking praise, I’d rather see the team praised than be singled out. So to win me over there, treat my team with respect and you’ll earn mine.
For those who follow my blogs you already know where I belong – In my own lunchbox. Who’d have thought this morning’s trip of self discovery after one 20 min video I’d be right back in that lunchbox happy and feeling stronger than ever. I am a Dag, I am a loyal friend, I don’t suffer fools and I am not incompetent. I make mistakes, but I am human. And I belong.
Today the Lunchbox introduces the Authors’ Hall of Fame.
You may be asking what strict conditions does one have to abide by to be inducted into such a prestigious …. thing….
Respect.
I have had the pleasure not only to work along side these next few authors in my employment at ABC, but they have shown me their outstanding commitment to their craft as journalist. The passion they have for the story they tell out weighs that of any ego and I could not describe any of them as anything more than outstanding, kind and compassionate.
To dedicate years of research into a topic which immerses them into a new world of people and cultures outside of their own world to bring to life the story with in a legend, or the untold story or even their own story.
Much like a war correspondent or service men or women their families rarely see these authors as they consume their stories through research and interviews often done in isolation or on solo missions. The loving support needed to get these budding journalist through their yearly grind is nothing short of unconditional. It’s a huge undertaking by the families left behind while the story unfolds behind the closed doors of an office collating pages, facts and figures until the sun yawns across the morning skies to another day of writing.
But their sacrifice is worth it when amongst the coffe cup ringed desks, emerges a manuscript in black and white. The written word for others to read and be consumed by. It is The Story.
As an amatuer writer myself, I tribute this blog to those writers I look up to. One day I hope to have my manuscript ready for print. In black and white for others to read. While my writing is usually fiction, the goal of writing a book and having it published is the dream I aspire to.
Tony Hill – http://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780733335020/
Scott Bevan – http://www.simonandschuster.com.au/books/Bill-The-Life-of-William-Dobell/Scott-Bevan/9781925030549
Julia Baird – http://www.juliabaird.me/books/
Jane Hutcheon – http://www.panmacmillan.com.au/9781743536339
Barnaby Howarth – https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Puddles-Barnaby-Howarth/dp/192521981X
For every drop in the ocean there is a ripple. An effect of one drop that has over the entire surface of the water. The ocean is a beast, hungry and ferocious. But no drop is missed or just consumed with out it being noticed. Each causes a ripple, each drop belongs. Each is unique and warranted in the large body of water running through the tides. For what is an ocean but billions of drops of water either falling from the skies, running from streams or seeping out through the earth.
It doesn’t matter where you’re from, you belong.
There are at least one hundred things I want to say, maybe more, the list grows each day. I wish I had the courage to say them out loud to break the tension in the air between us. I wish you would just listen and take in the words. I wish that you would say sorry so we could move on, but there is no sorry that you want to hear from me anymore. Just the silence of the guilty. I know I’m guilty but so are you.
There were one hundred things to say to you, but not anymore.
The erie dark forrest floor shadowed by a canopy of black curtains presented ghostly figures dancing between trunks in the light before dawn. Simply the misty white essence of a moist floor but erie all the same. The scurry of small creatures rustling amongst the dead leaves would make any spin tingle combined with the swoop of a dark crow over head and a distant owl hooting. Mozzies team their forces for an onslaught attack; leeches lurk below. Fear can not over take determination. On the other side of this valley is a perfect vantage point to watch the sunrise.
Chocolate.
There is no other word that makes you’re conscious, subconscious, taste buds and stomach fight so much that you willing go into battle calling out iniquitous battle cry while drool forms at the side of your lips…. chooocoolaatee.
Yes it is a sinful pleasure punishable by weights being grown from your hips an thighs to weigh you down preventing you from running to grab another piece. But…Strength and determination of your mind will over power that of the physical restraints of continuous consumption allowing you that 5 seconds of pleasure as it melts in your mouth, coating it with the brown thick sweet paint before sliding down your throat.
Ah yes… Chocolate.
There is the cause for chocoholics to claim the natural healthy aspects of the substance, that when used in it’s raw cocoa form or 70% + dark chocolate blocks can be classed as a health food. Such health benefits include – it is loaded with antioxidants. It is also research to help lower cholesterol and cognitive issues such as memory loss. I found this article quite helpful regarding the research of health benefits and origin of the cocoa bean / chocolate. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/270272.php
“I eat chocolate because it’s actually good for me”.
Lets face it. It’s an excuse. Sure anything that comes from nature in moderation is in fact good for you in someway, unless it’s poisonous in which case – stay away. However, I am baffled by how disciplined you have to be to not reach for the everyday chocolate bar from the supermarket shelf and tell yourself – but it’s good for me.
My waist line is the perfect example of the excuse gone into overdrive. You see I was on a health kick and found normal supermarket chocolate was just not making me feel good. So for Christmas my husband bought me a copy of “Model Chocolate” cook book by Abigail O’Niell. The book was 100% healthy ways to eat and enjoy chocolate with out the guilt. Every receipt was good for you, included hings such as coconut oils, dried fruits and the best of raw ingredients. I watched a segment on TV where Abigail was being interviewed about the book where she confessed to eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch and tea.
For anyone that doesn’t know Abigail is a model, fit healthy and stunning. No fat, No love handles and completely open to chocolate. I thought this was great, this book was my answer to all my chocoholic dreams.
With in 1 month of the booking being purchased, my pantry stocked full of the best raw ingredients as suggested by the book costing around $200 and that was for just recipes! my stomach decided to tell me the real reason I was reacting to foods and store purchase chocolate… I had a salicylate intolerance.
Basically salicylates exist both in natural healthy foods as a preservative as well as higher concentrates in things such a synthetic food preservatives, food colouring and spices such as black pepper. This means that most of the $200 worth of ingredients I just purchased, I couldn’t actually use. The substitute items I could use, would mean, full fat, full cream and full of weight bearing consequences.
However, Chocolate… I could still eat the Chocolate.
Raw 70% + or raw cocoa, Milo and even some Belgium chocolate brands. I found tolerance toward Cadbury plain family block chocolate. I had to steer clear of any Nestle or Lindt brands as they seemed to set off the intolerance, but Cadbury has seen me through. Easter eggs or any shaped Cadbury chocolate (like frogs or flakes) seemed to have different levels of preservatives, so I stick with the plain block stuff to get me through my daily cravings. The normal infamous purple Cadbury milk chocolate, however, adds to the hip line and with my diet extremely limited with the new intolerance I found myself using chocolate as a staple in my diet as much as say dairy, protein or fruit. Yes 3 – 4 servings a day or a whole family block of Cadbury chocolate was not uncommon, especially in times of stress. My intolerance kicked my cravings into over drive and yup, waist line decided to follow suit.
So back to my first initial point, anything from nature in moderation is good for you. So with the endeavor to continue my chocolate dreams I now recommend – Cadbury Old Gold or 70% + chocolate for your daily fix. But try to keep it down to once a day.
As as I can allow myself a hot chocolate drink in there as well, once a day is manageable. So I guess that would be two servings right?
Silence. The sweet sound of serenity that allows for your mind to rest. Or the perfect environment to breed anxiety. The reason for clam or the reason for panic. Silence is the creator of sweaty palms and day dreaming of faceless enemies. You can be enlightened or frightened by it. It’s the sound you crave but once you have it, you fear it. It’s the thing that brings a grown man to his knees and women to a heightened state. Would you trust your twins playing with crayons in another room if all you heard was silence? Already too late.
On my way home to a surprise birthday weekend organised by my husband. I have no idea what’s in store and that freaks me out a little. But, I have a loving husband who looks after me. I can trust in him, therefore there is no reason to panic. Why worry, there is nothing to worry about. Surprises are good, they are fun filled moments of complete shock mixed with a butt load of anxiety, a scream of joy all resembling some fun. It’s an interesting combo… One I am currently wrestling with. Ok, (breath) birthday weekend, bring it on!
Vetti's Lunchbox 