Vetti's Lunchbox

I have just spent 20 mins watching a talk by Brene Brown from 2010 on TED discussing her research and self journey on the topic of vulnerability.

From my understanding – Brene is a research story teller who is self professed to need to measure and analyse everything to understand it and be able to “conquer” it. As a Social worker her research was based around the human existence and need to Belong. We as humans need connection and belonging, but as she found out when asked about belonging an connection we often talk about our break ups and loss of connection or lack of belonging.

The underlying theme being that of Shame and Fear. The lack of feeling like we are worthy of love and belonging.

She embarked on a six year analysis of data research, interviews, stories from people’s lives and did her best to measure the aspects of fear, shame and worthiness. The research led her to one conclusion… Vulnerability.  I let you watch the TED talk link above which I think anyone who is currently not feeling like they belong or need a moment of self reflection to really listen to how she came to this conclusion.

I found her whitty take on the events that unfolded in her research was an inspiring insight to her own humour and short comings. The need to measure everything and control / predict the outcomes is a large portion of my job, but so is going with the flow.

Change is all around us. Change in leadership, change in financial certainties, change in technologies and strategies at work places. Change in reliance on human input to build and create in a mass production world. Change in how we grow, farm and produce. Change in how we shop, raise our children, dress, transport ourselves, travel patterns, communication and most importantly – how we connect.

Brene’s discoveries strike a particular cord with me in regards to belonging and the need / sense of belonging. I am a huge believer that I really don’t care what job I’m doing as long as  feel apart of the team and that I belong, I will excel.

I have had my share of being excluded, bullied and feeling of being completely disconnected from my working colleagues, even some friends through out the years. Often once you show you are capable – you are seen as a threat and there is nothing that will stop an individual from cutting you out, stabbing you in the back or purposely excluding you in order for them to feel the sense of their own belonging. I see their hurt and their pain. I see their need for recognition of their worthiness; and it has only just struck me now while watching this TED talks video that its because I am ok with who I am. I know I need to belong and I do loose all self confidence and self worth when faced with being excluded or bullied out. But when that happens I can see that the person doing it to me, needs it more. I’m not willing to sacrifice myself over it.

I exclude myself in these situations. I step back. That step back is seen as a vulnerability and weakness. In a professional working environment – that can sting. Keeping yourself out of a situation that would otherwise make a fool out of someone else at the expense of ever being included takes a lot of strength. I’d rather take the hit than let my team be taken out by the over bearing need of others blind vendetta to have something they already have but are too scared to see it. Their fear of  not belonging sends them down a path of destructiveness that creates discontent with in a team, usually targets the person they see as the one that belongs and strives to gain what ever advantage they think they need to create that sense of belonging for themselves. Often that means not sharing it with someone else or realising there is nothing to share anyway. Everyone has a place in a team, everyone belongs.

I hate to see injustice and I really don’t like taking the blame for things completely out of my control, but I will to keep the peace. I once quit my perfect dream job due to bullying and exclusion. I could have stayed and fought, shown that the accusations were all false. I had all the emails and written evidence of it all. I also had the support of my clients and other colleagues, but in the end I could see a great disaster was at the end of the fight – not for me, but for the team. How would making others feel incompetent and eventually lacking in worth to the company benefit myself, team or company? At that point in time, I could see that the person in question was good at their job, was a great member of the team and had the drive and forward thinking that was needed. But they needed that self recognition and validation of worthiness far more than I did. I could see a pain there that was far more important than my pride. So I took it on the chin and left. All the blame, all the shame, all the accusations on my shoulders and left. I confessed to in competencies that were not my own and all the whole while burning inside knowing that I had all the evidence to the contrary.

I didn’t know it then, but I do now that that was a significant point in my life where I showed true strength. I knew with in myself that I was right and I was not willing to compromise my own self worth for the sake of another. I was not that person.

However, for the rest of the world I was seen as weak. As vulnerable. Who wants to work with someone who is weak and vulnerable? Especially in a professional place.

Watch Brene Brown’s talk on TED (the above link) because I can tell you now, I would work with anyone who shows their vulnerability.

If you are willing to live and been seen as vulnerable you live “Whole Hearted” as Brene Brown puts it. You live your life despite your fears and shames, you have a sense of belonging and worthiness despite your shortcomings. You admit your shortcomings. you accept and embrace your vulnerability. Believe it or not that makes you whole hearted and very strong.

First of all there needs to be a clear definition between vulnerable and incompetent. To be incompetent means that your are incapable of carrying out a task and continue to make the same mistake over and over with out the ability to learn from that mistake.

To be vulnerable means that your weaknesses are know, but so are your strengths. You may make mistakes, but your are ok with that and there is nothing to say you can’t fix or work around them. My pet hate question in a job interview is “What do you think your strength and weaknesses are”, until I was on job panels. The person who actually showed vulnerability and answered whole heatedly and openly got the job. And you know what, they excel at it. They know where they are vulnerable and they already knew what they need to work on to strive or work around to be better and as a employer you knew what you were getting yourself into before hiring. Those who do not even recognise their short comings, fail because they only understand failure or success.

I will tell you what I know – that is growth. You can grow and bloom into a better job, position and pay; but I’d rather grow into a better person. One that belongs. The job and pay will come.

Strive to belong rather than be successful; Be you.

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” – Albert Einstein
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins131187.html

The world won’t change to fit you, but you need to realise is that you already belong and so does everyone else. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, recognise where you are vulnerable accept it and find where you fit best. Recognise that it may not be your initial dream job and that is ok.

I will openly admit I’m  sucker for hugs. You hug me and you win me over. I’m not great at taking praise, I’d rather see the team praised than be singled out. So to win me over there, treat my team with respect and you’ll earn mine.

For those who follow my blogs you already know where I belong – In my own lunchbox. Who’d have thought this morning’s trip of self discovery after one 20 min video I’d be right back in that lunchbox happy and feeling stronger than ever. I am a Dag, I am a loyal friend, I don’t suffer fools and I am not incompetent. I make mistakes, but I am human. And I belong.